If you know me or have been following me on social media for awhile then you know my story or maybe bits and pieces of it. You know I've never been afraid to step out and share my darkness in front of everyone and put it into the light. No filter. Just vulnerability and transparency. But it got to the point where my darkness was no longer something I had wanted to share amongst others. I wanted to keep it hidden. My mental state felt like it was unrepairable. Depression once again had taken over me. All parts of me. Im not talking about only mentally, physically as well.
Depression had sewed itself on my brain and I couldn't stop how it made me feel and what it made me want to do. I was drowning in a sea of shame, anger, hopelessness and feeling like I was a burden for others. And I was the problem and how I needed to let go. In other words I needed to simply get rid of this pain once and for all. I tried to do it before. So let's try again and this time be successful at it. I kept telling myself you've got to do it Tony. "You've got to kill yourself. You gotta leave this earth because you aren't wanted here no longer. You aren't ever going to be happy ever again. And plus nobody wouldn't miss you. Who's texted you in the passed week or month? Exactly. You're not loved. You don't matter. End it. Today."
So I was like alright, tonight is the night. Fast forward. It's 9pm. It's night time. There's no turning back now. So I got a razor blade I had bought an hour or two earlier and started to cut with it. All over my wrist and arm. One cut, then two and then it was an all out war with my body. This is was it. Bleed til you die. Til your lungs can no longer breathe in oxygen. Til your heart no longer has blood to pump and you begin to slowly fade out of this world. Do it tony. Do it.
During all of this I was texting a friend of my mine who I had known for years. I was telling her my goodbyes and thanking her for hanging out with me earlier that day. I'm not sure when, but later in our texts - she convinced to stay and secretly (without telling her) I myself wanted to live and so I stopped the cutting.
Fast forward again - Hours and hours later early in the a.m. I find myself in the ER room getting attention on my cuts and later getting sent to a psychiatric hospital. I thought I'd never be here again in this position, but here I was. For 3 1/2 days I was there. And during those days I was reminded that I wasn't the lies of whatever depression had spoken to me and how it made me feel. Though my heart felt like it was carved with the words 'Broken' and my brain felt like it was stamped with the word 'Damaged' I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew I needed to believe in myself and love myself even if I didn't think I could do it. Because trying to determine my value based off of how other people loved me or showed me attention - would only leave me with pain. It happened before and I knew it would happen again. I only felt abandonment and unloved. Many times like an outsider. Is there anyone out there who sees me and accepts me just as I am? Is there a place where I belong? And the questions began to pile up.
So I decided i needed to come back and be a voice and be a light for others like I once did before. I needed to share my darkness once again. I needed to love on people harder than ever before. I needed to do more. I needed to step out and be bold. So here I am. A month ago, I tried to kill myself and here I am back and ready to helping others find their freedom and rise above their pain. We are in this together.
You over there, me right here - your friend who needs to know it as well - we are going to get through it. Yes we are.