Depression, Suicidal Attempts And The Will To Stay Alive.
It was the year 2015 and I was 21 years old feeling like my time on earth was no longer needed and I was no longer wanted. On top of that I was dealing with severe - some may call it major depression since 2010 and it had taken a toll on me not only mentally but physically and emotionally. I felt suffering like no other while still feeling completely empty and vacant. It was hell. Depression is hell.
I couldn't take it anymore.
The thoughts were getting worse and there was no escape to what depression was telling me and how it made me feel. I didn't want to continue on feeling this way. Feeling helpless, weak, crazy, ashamed, unworthy and unlovable. I started to hate myself and the person I had become. I was a wreck, a mess - a disaster waiting to happen. It was only time until the hurricane would appear. And when it did.. when I had that breakdown once again, no longer did I want to fight back. No longer did I want to live. I wanted to die at that moment.
No one would care.
I would be free.
Free from this illness that drained every ounce of joy and happiness I had left in me.
Fast forward. I soon found myself drinking and drinking until I got drunk.
Now I'm drunk. Really drunk.
I forgot to mention it's late at night and it's around 1am on Monday.
I get up. Put on some clothes and head toward the railroad tracks nearby. About 20 minutes later or so - maybe longer I find myself laying next to the tracks.
Hoping for a train to come from any direction to hit me.
Suddenly bright lights began to appear. I get up.
This is it. This is the moment to end it all.
Or is it?
In that quick second I decided this wasn't going to be the end. My story wasn't going to be over.
I'm going to live.
I lived on.
This was 2 years into this movement of Free And Above being born. 2 years later in 2017 I found myself in the position of wanting to end my life yet again.
Depression had sewed itself on my brain and I couldn't stop how it made me feel and what it made me want to do. I was drowning in a sea of shame, anger, hopelessness and feeling like I was a burden for others. And I was the problem and how I needed to let go. In other words I needed to simply get rid of this pain once and for all. I tried to do it before. So let's try again and this time be successful at it. I kept telling myself you've got to do it Tony. "You've got to end your life. You gotta leave this earth because you aren't wanted here no longer. You aren't ever going to be happy ever again. And plus nobody wouldn't miss you. Who's texted you in the passed week or month? Exactly. You're not loved. You don't matter. End it. Today."
So I was like alright, tonight is the night. Fast forward. It's 9pm. It's night time. There's no turning back now. So I got a razor blade I had bought an hour or two earlier and started to cut with it. All over my wrist and arm. One cut, then two and then it was an all out war with my body. This is was it. Bleed til you die. Til your lungs can no longer breathe in oxygen. Til your heart no longer has blood to pump and you begin to slowly fade out of this world. Do it tony. Do it.
During all of this I was texting a friend of my mine who I had known for years. I was telling her my goodbyes and thanking her for hanging out with me earlier that day. I'm not sure when, but later in our texts - she convinced to stay and secretly (without telling her) I myself wanted to live and so I stopped the cutting.
Fast forward again - Hours and hours later early in the a.m. I find myself in the ER room getting attention on my cuts and later getting sent to a psychiatric hospital. I thought I'd never be here again in this position, but here I was. For 3 1/2 days I was there. And during those days I was reminded that I wasn't the lies of whatever depression had spoken to me and how it made me feel. Though my heart felt like it was carved with the words 'Broken' and my brain felt like it was stamped with the word 'Damaged' I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew I needed to believe in myself and love myself even if I didn't think I could do it. Because trying to determine my value based off of how other people loved me or showed me attention - would only leave me with pain. It happened before and I knew it would happen again. I only felt abandonment and unloved. Many times like an outsider. Is there anyone out there who sees me and accepts me just as I am? Is there a place where I belong? And the questions began to pile up.
So I decided i needed to come back and be a voice and be a light for others like I once did before. I needed to share my darkness once again. I needed to love on people harder than ever before. I needed to do more. I needed to step out and be bold. So here I am.
Helping those who are fighting for their freedom and needing to rise above and at the same time trying to be free and above as well.
We’re in this together.
Tony Cox Jr